Looking for the world's best comedy writer

We are looking for the world's best comedy writer to write articles from the dog's point of view. Obviously, the intended audience here is other dogs. It's not really important which schools you went to or where you worked before. The only thing that matters is that you have an uncanny ability to see the world as a dog would - basically that means you can make observations and use a vocabulary that would make perfect sense to a dog. For the right person we are looking for a long-term relation. If you are a good fit for our company we are prepared to offer very attractive rates. We firmly believe that creativity and talent should be rewarded in accordance with the success of our company. Please reply with samples of your writing. Optionally, you can demonstrate your affinity for this particular type of writing by choosing any random word(s) and translate to ”dog language”. For example, shoes could be translated into the human's "removable paws" (or something similar). And the vacuum cleaner could be "the machine beast that lives in the closet" -- or something to that effect. If you have seen "Sad dog diary" on Youtube that is a pretty close to what we are aiming for. We prefer native English speaking writers as most of our audience is based in the United States. PS a native english speaker did NOT write this job post (we are still a small company based in Denmark, but growing fast).